Dance is a significant part of my life. Has been for seven years. I've been a part of the competition team for that long, too. The highest a dance can earn is Diamond. From high to low, the awards are: diamond, high platinum, platinum, high gold, gold, high silver, silver, high bronze, and bronze. You have to really suck to get bronze. Like, you stood stiff and did nothing the entire time. In my team's career, we never got more than gold. Once, we got high gold. But today? We earned platinum in both dances. That's amazing. And not only that, but those dances earned a special award, and they won 1st runner up and 1st in our age category.
Next year is my eighth and final year, seeing as I'm going to college afterwards. It's nice to go out with a bang, even though I know we still have a year left.
And then my dad and grandma were there, yelling and embarrassing me (I secretly like it. Don't tell them). And my mom was there without Ron. Unstressful at last. And then TJ showed up, and I just felt so alive and loved at the end of my last performance.
Dance has been my outlet and escape for so long. I don't know what I'd do without it. I've known the girls in my class for half my life. I've grown up with them. You can't get a connection like that anywhere else. They may annoy me to no end with their immaturity and ignorance, but we're practically family. And tonight, we earned all those awards together.
I love my team.
Love,
Caitlyn
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Getting Lost
I've been lost a fair share of times in my life thus far. Most of them were bad.
For example, I was lost when my parents split up. I had zero idea where my family was going. I was 6. Where was Daddy? Why can't I sleep in between you two when I have a bad dream?
Then 7th grade. Bad cutting and depression phase. Boy crazy phase. Career jockeying phase. Jimmy then both Colins then Ryan then back to Jimmy.
Found myself with Graham. Felt at peace for the first time in about 7 years. It was good. I knew I had purpose. Didn't dare want to make the same mistakes my parents made. But then he left and I was lost again. Felt lost until maybe 5 months ago.
I was finally back on track. TJ helped so much. Still does. Took me awhile to figure out if he and I were real or if I was using him to fill the void Graham gave me. We're the real deal. Don't know what that means in high school, but I feel as good as if not better than I felt with Graham. And that's saying a lot.
TJ and I were supposed to go to the state fair Friday night. Plans fell through. So we were driving around looking for a place to eat because we hadn't eaten since 3 and it was nearly 7, and we're talking and laughing and being really adorable and then he goes, "Oh shit I think that was our exit." He's still laughing as he says it. I look at him smiling and we continue to laugh. We also continued to get lost for another half hour or so until we at last found a decent Cracker Barrel.
I think that was the only good time ever I had getting lost. Probably because I wasn't alone. Probably because we were never really lost. Probably a lot of things. We had fun. And I enjoy it even moreso because I know how it could've gone. We could've missed our exit and fought about it. I could've activated my OCD bitch mode and yelled about how stupid he was that we got lost and my dad was gonna kill him for taking me out and how goddamn hungry I was. But I didn't. And it wasn't a conscious choice. It just happened that we enjoyed getting lost together. And that feels amazing.
You could say I'm still a little lost. I have big decisions to make a year from now about school. I need to figure out some major choices before it's too late. I don't know what I'm going to do about money and paying for my education. I don't feel at home where my mom says I should feel at home. Yeah I'm still a little lost. But I think I just found a map. Hard to read but I have one.
I have my good days and my bad days. At least now I have someone to go through them with.
Love,
Caitlyn
For example, I was lost when my parents split up. I had zero idea where my family was going. I was 6. Where was Daddy? Why can't I sleep in between you two when I have a bad dream?
Then 7th grade. Bad cutting and depression phase. Boy crazy phase. Career jockeying phase. Jimmy then both Colins then Ryan then back to Jimmy.
Found myself with Graham. Felt at peace for the first time in about 7 years. It was good. I knew I had purpose. Didn't dare want to make the same mistakes my parents made. But then he left and I was lost again. Felt lost until maybe 5 months ago.
I was finally back on track. TJ helped so much. Still does. Took me awhile to figure out if he and I were real or if I was using him to fill the void Graham gave me. We're the real deal. Don't know what that means in high school, but I feel as good as if not better than I felt with Graham. And that's saying a lot.
TJ and I were supposed to go to the state fair Friday night. Plans fell through. So we were driving around looking for a place to eat because we hadn't eaten since 3 and it was nearly 7, and we're talking and laughing and being really adorable and then he goes, "Oh shit I think that was our exit." He's still laughing as he says it. I look at him smiling and we continue to laugh. We also continued to get lost for another half hour or so until we at last found a decent Cracker Barrel.
I think that was the only good time ever I had getting lost. Probably because I wasn't alone. Probably because we were never really lost. Probably a lot of things. We had fun. And I enjoy it even moreso because I know how it could've gone. We could've missed our exit and fought about it. I could've activated my OCD bitch mode and yelled about how stupid he was that we got lost and my dad was gonna kill him for taking me out and how goddamn hungry I was. But I didn't. And it wasn't a conscious choice. It just happened that we enjoyed getting lost together. And that feels amazing.
You could say I'm still a little lost. I have big decisions to make a year from now about school. I need to figure out some major choices before it's too late. I don't know what I'm going to do about money and paying for my education. I don't feel at home where my mom says I should feel at home. Yeah I'm still a little lost. But I think I just found a map. Hard to read but I have one.
I have my good days and my bad days. At least now I have someone to go through them with.
Love,
Caitlyn
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Make A Wish
We went on a Disney cruise back when I was about 6 or 7. I was so upset because the cruise dates conflicted with our school's world presentation, and my class was Mexico. I'd worked so hard, and it hurt that I couldn't participate because of some stupid cruise. It was only for a few days, 5 at most.
The first full day on the ship, I was playing by myself in the small pool following a trip down the waterslide. My mom was watching me, sunning and talking to this one family. My new stepdad was off with his 12-year-old daughter; she had zero interest in me or my interests, but I didn't blame her. As I was playing, I befriended this girl. She was about my age, skinny with dirty blonde hair. Her name was Amanda; she was from Georgia. I don't remember much else, but we had a ball together. We were inseparable the entire cruise, going through the waterslide too many times to count while we refueled with the free soft serve ice cream cones. Because we were so close, my mom and Amanda's family got to talking a lot, but my age prevented me from hearing what they had to say or even caring about their conversations. I was having fun, for the first time since my parents' divorce and remarriages and my dog dying and my best friend moving away. I was happy.
When the cruise was over, Amanda and I parted ways, and I remember her telling me that we'd keep in touch (we'd used different words but that's the gist of it). Our moms traded addresses, and on the long car ride back home from the ship's port, my mom told me I should write a letter to her or something like that, but as far as I was concerned I was too tired and sun-soaked to care, not to mention at that age I was fairly selfish. About a few weeks after we got home, I remember getting a brief postcard from my cruise friend, and I smiled at it. I set aside the time, in my mind, to write her back, but I forget if I ever did. I didn't hear from her after that.
Years later, maybe about last year or something recent, my mom and I were talking about how I can't make friends easily and I'm really awkward and whatnot, and she brought up that Disney cruise from forever ago. I smiled.
"You probably made that girl's entire life," she said.
"I highly doubt that. If I wrote her now, she wouldn't even remember who I was." She turned to me with this solemn look on her face.
"Honey, didn't you know she was with Make-A-Wish? She was dying. Her family couldn't afford the trip on their own. She passed away soon after the cruise ended." I'd nodded then in understanding and haven't really thought about it since.
Looking back to those 5 days, I wonder. Why me? Why her? Out of all the kids in that pool, out of all the kids I could've ran into and struck up a friendship, I ran into Amanda from Georgia. I was probably the first person who hadn't treated her like she was sick or dying, and it must've been refreshing. What if she'd been alone that whole time, playing by herself or with her family? That's no way for a kid to spend a Disney vacation. It proves my theory that everything happens for a reason, and while she was a brief friendship for me, I was so much more to her. And at the end of the day, well today, knowing I helped some poor child feel better is a pretty awesome feeling.
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to share this today. Probably because lately, I've felt kinda lost and unsure about the purpose of a lot of things in my life. This story revives my faith in knowing all things have a reason.
Love,
Caitlyn
The first full day on the ship, I was playing by myself in the small pool following a trip down the waterslide. My mom was watching me, sunning and talking to this one family. My new stepdad was off with his 12-year-old daughter; she had zero interest in me or my interests, but I didn't blame her. As I was playing, I befriended this girl. She was about my age, skinny with dirty blonde hair. Her name was Amanda; she was from Georgia. I don't remember much else, but we had a ball together. We were inseparable the entire cruise, going through the waterslide too many times to count while we refueled with the free soft serve ice cream cones. Because we were so close, my mom and Amanda's family got to talking a lot, but my age prevented me from hearing what they had to say or even caring about their conversations. I was having fun, for the first time since my parents' divorce and remarriages and my dog dying and my best friend moving away. I was happy.
When the cruise was over, Amanda and I parted ways, and I remember her telling me that we'd keep in touch (we'd used different words but that's the gist of it). Our moms traded addresses, and on the long car ride back home from the ship's port, my mom told me I should write a letter to her or something like that, but as far as I was concerned I was too tired and sun-soaked to care, not to mention at that age I was fairly selfish. About a few weeks after we got home, I remember getting a brief postcard from my cruise friend, and I smiled at it. I set aside the time, in my mind, to write her back, but I forget if I ever did. I didn't hear from her after that.
Years later, maybe about last year or something recent, my mom and I were talking about how I can't make friends easily and I'm really awkward and whatnot, and she brought up that Disney cruise from forever ago. I smiled.
"You probably made that girl's entire life," she said.
"I highly doubt that. If I wrote her now, she wouldn't even remember who I was." She turned to me with this solemn look on her face.
"Honey, didn't you know she was with Make-A-Wish? She was dying. Her family couldn't afford the trip on their own. She passed away soon after the cruise ended." I'd nodded then in understanding and haven't really thought about it since.
Looking back to those 5 days, I wonder. Why me? Why her? Out of all the kids in that pool, out of all the kids I could've ran into and struck up a friendship, I ran into Amanda from Georgia. I was probably the first person who hadn't treated her like she was sick or dying, and it must've been refreshing. What if she'd been alone that whole time, playing by herself or with her family? That's no way for a kid to spend a Disney vacation. It proves my theory that everything happens for a reason, and while she was a brief friendship for me, I was so much more to her. And at the end of the day, well today, knowing I helped some poor child feel better is a pretty awesome feeling.
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to share this today. Probably because lately, I've felt kinda lost and unsure about the purpose of a lot of things in my life. This story revives my faith in knowing all things have a reason.
Love,
Caitlyn
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