Here's "July 14th":
You couldn't have told me so,
Couldn't have said you’d be my direction.
No one said, when we met, you’d make me fall in love,
And steal my affection.
Just like that, at the drop of a hat,
We were head over heels.
And all, I wanted was you,
And I thought, our love must be true,
So we decided to take the leap,
Because our feelings were just too deep.
I only wish I knew the truth.
No one could have told me so,
Couldn't have said you’d leave me utterly broken.
No one said, when you left, that I’d cry, attempt to die,
And that my life would overall darken.
Just like that, I became a goddamn doormat,
And I wonder: will I ever heal?
But all, I wanted was you,
And I still thought, our love must be true.
In the end you decided to leave,
And caused me to more than gently weep.
I only wish that I had known the truth.
I think that you can’t hurt me,
More drinks would make me lonely,
But I’m on the brink of being more than tipsy,
And I wish you’d just call me sweetie,
Because drunkenly I see…
That all, I want is you,
And I know, our love had to have been true.
To this day we have a chance in which I believe,
And who knows what promises I’ll keep.
If only I could tell you the truth.
Love,
Caitlyn
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Honesty is the Best Policy!
Something I've realized about myself: even though I'm honest to everyone, I tend to sugarcoat certain aspects to avoid conflict and drama. But in this mindset, I'm hardly in the mood to protect others, and while my sleepover last night with Chelsi was extremely beneficial I still need to let things out and see where they lead my life. Because keeping secrets is no way to live. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want to go knowing I was keeping things from the people around me.
TJ and I, up until probably about a couple weeks or so ago, were fighting constantly. We weren't happy and we weren't good by any means. It wasn't because of anything between the two of us; I just didn't care for the ways his mother acted in front of me. While this was fixed by me seeing her without her family around (I ended up liking her quite alot), I made a mistake while TJ and I were fighting. The outlet? Jimmy. He and I had begun talking more than usual and, as I tend to do, I confided everything in him. As it turns out, he wasn't as happy either. We decided on a "rush" to go through for a few days (which never actually ended up occurring) that would consist of sexual acts.
The weekend before the planned "rush" we had an additional opportunity, seeing as TJ was busy and my house was empty. Jimmy drove over for what was intended to be a massage from him working late the night prior, and the back massage did happen. But then it progressed. Not beyond making out, but nonetheless was further than anything should have gone. If I had known TJ and I would've been better, I wouldn't have done anything. And I should know by now that Jimmy is always bad news. I regret what I did, but that doesn't make it go away. TJ has yet to know, and unless he reads this he won't find out.
After my mind being essentially fixated on Graham for a multitude of reasons, and after a dream where we hugged following him surprising me at my house (which felt so right, I'll admit), I texted him this morning. Following the initial text we had a conversation, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoyed it. Talking to him was pleasant, sweet, and just plain nice. Really nice. It gives me hope that we can be friends, which is honestly all I want in the world right now. But he isn't ready to be friends, and his girlfriend doesn't like me (which I find ironic. I don't know her, I don't judge her, I don't hate her. My opinion is that she should get to know me before she passes a judgement like that but whatever.), so us being friends again, let alone plain talking, isn't going to happen for awhile. I hate that so much.
He hurt me. He shattered me. He broke my heart. And I'm ready to be friends and I'm ready to talk, but he isn't? I don't understand why, but I'm not pushing him. I can't and I won't. I got my answers (he cares about me and ultimately misses me), and if that's all I get for awhile, or maybe ever, I guess I can live with that.
Here comes my biggest truth, something I didn't even fully admit to Chelsi last night:
I love TJ, and he's just what I needed after Graham. I can even see a future with him, and I could even want a future with him. But it wouldn't be right to go through with that when I know with all of my heart that a significant portion of my heart and soul still belongs to the future I'd planned with Graham. I know, and Graham knows, that everything that went wrong was a result of the distance. If we can be friends over the next few years (in order to fix the brokenness we both have from our prior relationship) or however long until distance is no longer a factor (which even being friends and never advancing would be just fine with me), I know we'd work, or at least we'd have to try. If we don't, I'm confident that I'd likely not be able to fully commit to anyone else. Not even TJ. For today, for this time in my life, I am content with being TJ's girlfriend and have no intentions on being with Graham (nor do I want to be with him now), but for the future life I know that I'd want to be with Graham until we figured out if we work in real life. After that, who knows.
I don't know where my life will go or how long I have in this life, but I intend on living it to the fullest wherever possible and where it's available to me. This post, and people I know reading it, could potentially have consequences (being single, losing Graham forever), but if any of that happens I'm sure it'd be for the best.
Love,
Caitlyn
TJ and I, up until probably about a couple weeks or so ago, were fighting constantly. We weren't happy and we weren't good by any means. It wasn't because of anything between the two of us; I just didn't care for the ways his mother acted in front of me. While this was fixed by me seeing her without her family around (I ended up liking her quite alot), I made a mistake while TJ and I were fighting. The outlet? Jimmy. He and I had begun talking more than usual and, as I tend to do, I confided everything in him. As it turns out, he wasn't as happy either. We decided on a "rush" to go through for a few days (which never actually ended up occurring) that would consist of sexual acts.
The weekend before the planned "rush" we had an additional opportunity, seeing as TJ was busy and my house was empty. Jimmy drove over for what was intended to be a massage from him working late the night prior, and the back massage did happen. But then it progressed. Not beyond making out, but nonetheless was further than anything should have gone. If I had known TJ and I would've been better, I wouldn't have done anything. And I should know by now that Jimmy is always bad news. I regret what I did, but that doesn't make it go away. TJ has yet to know, and unless he reads this he won't find out.
After my mind being essentially fixated on Graham for a multitude of reasons, and after a dream where we hugged following him surprising me at my house (which felt so right, I'll admit), I texted him this morning. Following the initial text we had a conversation, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoyed it. Talking to him was pleasant, sweet, and just plain nice. Really nice. It gives me hope that we can be friends, which is honestly all I want in the world right now. But he isn't ready to be friends, and his girlfriend doesn't like me (which I find ironic. I don't know her, I don't judge her, I don't hate her. My opinion is that she should get to know me before she passes a judgement like that but whatever.), so us being friends again, let alone plain talking, isn't going to happen for awhile. I hate that so much.
He hurt me. He shattered me. He broke my heart. And I'm ready to be friends and I'm ready to talk, but he isn't? I don't understand why, but I'm not pushing him. I can't and I won't. I got my answers (he cares about me and ultimately misses me), and if that's all I get for awhile, or maybe ever, I guess I can live with that.
Here comes my biggest truth, something I didn't even fully admit to Chelsi last night:
I love TJ, and he's just what I needed after Graham. I can even see a future with him, and I could even want a future with him. But it wouldn't be right to go through with that when I know with all of my heart that a significant portion of my heart and soul still belongs to the future I'd planned with Graham. I know, and Graham knows, that everything that went wrong was a result of the distance. If we can be friends over the next few years (in order to fix the brokenness we both have from our prior relationship) or however long until distance is no longer a factor (which even being friends and never advancing would be just fine with me), I know we'd work, or at least we'd have to try. If we don't, I'm confident that I'd likely not be able to fully commit to anyone else. Not even TJ. For today, for this time in my life, I am content with being TJ's girlfriend and have no intentions on being with Graham (nor do I want to be with him now), but for the future life I know that I'd want to be with Graham until we figured out if we work in real life. After that, who knows.
I don't know where my life will go or how long I have in this life, but I intend on living it to the fullest wherever possible and where it's available to me. This post, and people I know reading it, could potentially have consequences (being single, losing Graham forever), but if any of that happens I'm sure it'd be for the best.
Love,
Caitlyn
Creativity.
I've been writing frequently, mostly song lyrics and poetry. One song I finished I titled "Luna." Here are the words:
The girl you knew is gone, and you’re left
Wondering what you did wrong.
Oh, it can’t be blamed on any one thing,
But she is gone.
She only wanted white doves, and she
Craved the feeling of your love.
Oh, she just wanted to hear the wedding bells ring,
And fly like the doves.
Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But soon your eyes were on another girl,
And then your past had,
No clue, how to,
Move on,
She’s just gone.
Nostalgia had no place in her mind, and she knew
The one thing that could cure her shattered heart was time.
Oh, today she chooses “silence” over “sing,”
And there goes her mind.
Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But now your hands are on another girl,
So she’s been trying,
Fighting, dying,
To move on,
But she’s gone.
You can’t blame her,
She thought you wanted her,
But you ran away instead,
And you left her for dead.
Well you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
And if you decide to dump the other girl,
You’ll be shocked to see,
Her epiphany, and that
She’s moved on.
Yeah she’s gone.
I have two more in the works right now: "July 14" and "Lying on His Back in Her Bed." I'm planning on finishing at least one tonight.
Love,
Caitlyn
The girl you knew is gone, and you’re left
Wondering what you did wrong.
Oh, it can’t be blamed on any one thing,
But she is gone.
She only wanted white doves, and she
Craved the feeling of your love.
Oh, she just wanted to hear the wedding bells ring,
And fly like the doves.
Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But soon your eyes were on another girl,
And then your past had,
No clue, how to,
Move on,
She’s just gone.
Nostalgia had no place in her mind, and she knew
The one thing that could cure her shattered heart was time.
Oh, today she chooses “silence” over “sing,”
And there goes her mind.
Well, you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
But now your hands are on another girl,
So she’s been trying,
Fighting, dying,
To move on,
But she’s gone.
You can’t blame her,
She thought you wanted her,
But you ran away instead,
And you left her for dead.
Well you were her world,
Her life and her everything,
And if you decide to dump the other girl,
You’ll be shocked to see,
Her epiphany, and that
She’s moved on.
Yeah she’s gone.
I have two more in the works right now: "July 14" and "Lying on His Back in Her Bed." I'm planning on finishing at least one tonight.
Love,
Caitlyn
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