Just Some Stuff.

Well, here's a recently discovered relief: I'm not pregnant.

It was scary, to be honest, and it kind of makes me want to never have sex again until I'm married/stable enough to raise children, but we all know teenagers do what they will so... Granted, the chance of being pregnant was 1% (have I said that before? I don't remember.), but regardless TJ decided freaking out for over a week was a good idea.

I spent the weekend with Chelsi and my mom in Orlando for her sweet sixteen. Island of Adventure, Universal. She dragged me on every single ride that wasn't child oriented (and we went on one of those, too), and at the end of the night she chose a horror movie to watch about mirrors. Mirrors. Of all things. She did express having an amazing time, as did I, and I'm just happy she's happy.

Of course, there were other reasons for going this weekend. My mom was secretly meeting her old friend and high school flame Gary for dinner, and so as a way to make sure my stepdad Ron wasn't going to join us she made me lie and say we were going to a dance competition. I haven't seen Gary since I was nine, and to be honest he hasn't changed a bit. My mom lights up more around him; she's more herself. Completely opposite of how she is at home. Now, I'm not quiet about my dislike for my stepdad, and so here I type, forced to silence myself around him and help my mom by giving her advice on what to do.

Here's my opinion: never do something based on someone else. While I, and most of my mom's family, dislike Ron, if he makes my mom happy completely then she should stay with him. If he doesn't, then she should leave him, if for nothing but herself. It doesn't mean she'd be leaving him for someone else, and by someone else I mean Gary; only that she wasn't content in her marriage. Gary is a wonderful guy, someone who's incredibly sweet and kind and understanding of her situation. As I've always stated, I'm not upset by the divorce itself, just moreso the people my parents decided to marry afterwards, and thus I approve of Gary.

On another note, I've been invited to the Gulf High NJROTC Military Ball, courtesy of TJ. Dress is formal, but not like a ball gown or anything; just homecoming attire but with straps and knee-length or longer. Finally I can wear my homecoming dress proudly, where he can appreciate it out loud instead of having to keep it to himself. He was so cute when I told him what my plan was for a dress: "Guess I know just what to wear, then." Makes sense, considering our outfits for homecoming were matching. Back to the dance though, dinner's included, and I couldn't be more excited about the whole thing. The best part, aside from being able to spend a night with TJ, is that the dance will be less like the other Gulf dances in the sense that grinding and horrid music will not be factors (which are the parts of school dances I always hated).

I keep trying to pretend that I'm not sad, at least to everyone except TJ, but I really am. Not sad with my life, because I'm content with where I am, but just in general. Cutting urges have returned at a rather alarming rate (wasn't I supposed to be done with all of that?), and I find myself wanting to cry any time I have a chance to catch a breath. I have yet to burn the rest of the Graham things; I'm waiting for when TJ can do it with me. I couldn't do it alone. I can't do any of this alone. I wish things with Graham had happened differently, like we just both grew apart at the same time and the break up was simple and without pain except for the end of a relationship with someone I thought I'd have a family with one day.

Sometimes, when my mind is blank and TJ's playing baseball and I'm trying to distract myself, I wonder if Graham still keeps tabs on me, if he's still checking up on my life. Part of me wants him to, because to this day I haven't exactly come to terms with the idea he doesn't care about me, but the other part of me doesn't want him to check up on me because I want him happy in his life and not to miss me or anything, because if it turns out to be true that I was the worst thing that happened to him, then I want him to live the best life anyone has ever known. Despite all the terrible things he said and did to me, I do care about him and want him to be just...happy and without strife.

I can't help but remember that next month on the 17th, Ry would have been one year old. And because of that, I can't help but wonder if Graham thinks about her still, like I do. Probably not, but it's possible right? Yeah, probably not.

In order to cope with all the sorrow, essentially, I've summarized my life in the past two years with a few phrases: "Jimmy and I broke up because a) I was too much and b) he was going to be in high school," "Graham was just a small fling one summer before eighth grade only," and "My virginity is Jimmy's."

At least, that's what I've been telling myself for a few weeks now.

Love,
Caitlyn