TJHJ

This post is long overdue for a couple of reasons. One, he's my current boyfriend who has essentially taken over me. Two, in previous posts I've failed to include him in much of anything. So, here it goes.

The joke is that it all started with a footrub in the third quarter of freshman year, first period Biology. But the truth is that it was earlier than that. In the first semester of that year, well last year, all that I knew about TJ was that he was in my first and third period classed, and he was interested in Sherron, but she toyed with him and turned him down. Nothing came up with him until the Renaissance Faire at school, after I had slept with Jimmy ("Him" part 2). I felt that Jimmy was ignoring me, even though he was working on his booth for most of the time, and it was freezing cold. Regardless of my long sleeved shirt, coat, and Jimmy's stolen gloves, I was shivering uncontrollably (to this day I blame the heels I was wearing). TJ happened to be standing outside too (my history teacher took us all out there for class), but he had the warmest-looking jacket on. Being spaztic me, I was standing around and talking to him, clearly shaking from the cold. He said something along the lines of "I'd offer you my jacket, but it's fucking freezing out here..." I laughed, and he continued "...but you can join me in here if you'd like." Of course, I did. We spent most of the day that way. There's a picture in my room of it. Afterwards, we exchanged phone numbers, because winter break was upon us.

Over those two weeks, we talked all the time. Never into the late hours or anything, but it was alot. All day, most if not all days. I told him about the affair I had with Jimmy, and he told me about having had sex once while drunk and the other with a girl he didn't even know. Through these talks, we became very close; as I learned later, this was where he fell for me. Little did I realize that I was falling for him, too.

School resumed, and soon afterwards I blurted out at my mom my sexual indiscretions with Graham and Jimmy, which caused her to ground me and take my cell phone. Naturally, this additionally caused TJ and me to cease our talks until my phone was returned to me, but it didn't stop our friendship from growing. Being in Mr. Stobb's Biology now, we could get away with essentially anything, such as eating or doing other homework or texting, and while we did pass notes (we sat next to each other), he gave me a couple of foot rubs (quite good, I might add). Soon enough, like maybe a month and a half later, I got my phone back, along with my computer privileges. TJ and I continued to talk via text up until spring break, at which point he started to call me on my cell phone to just talk about random things; these conversations would last a couple of hours, and I hardly (if at all) bothered to text Graham to tell him when I'd be done or what I was doing, which caused him to get jealous and begin his dislike of TJ. Anyway, in one of the phone calls during the last weekend of spring break, he admitted to liking Chelsi, and so he asked if he had a shot. I told him the truth: that she was looking for a good guy and that he fit the bill. So their relationship lasted maybe a partial school day before Chels "broke up" with TJ, and this is when we started Facebook messages.

The messages started simple but quickly progressed into things at the time I wasn't proud of (I'm still not to a degree, because I shouldn't have been doing any of this while I was with Graham, but it led to where I am with TJ today). We soon began sharing ideas of a friends with benefits situation, him because he knew he couldn't be with me [yet] and me because the long distance was getting to me again. It was never really established how far it was going to go, only that it wouldn't be sex unless he got tested for STDs. However, at this point, I knew that if we ever did anything then I'd eventually tell Graham, who'd tell me I can't be friends with TJ anymore or talk to him or anything, and I absolutely knew that I wouldn't be able to bear losing another one of my best friends to my hormones. That, and I knew I was falling for him (and that he was falling for me), so I wanted the option to exist for us to be friends just so we could talk and still be close. We left alone the friends with benefits subject and never considered it again. Just talked some, but it wasn't the same after that. Not after I knew how he felt, how I felt.

He had Spanish sixth period, which was when I had French, and occasionally we'd throw dance parties and invite the Spanish class over to dance and whatnot. We, according to TJ, participated in minor grinding, but generally stayed fairly close together most of the time. In the final few weeks, there was only one lunch, so we'd sit together, and a few times he'd put his hand on my knee and I'd let it travel up (probably further than it should have but still...). On the last day, which was my birthday, he stayed with me the whole day, and since I wasn't feeling too well he let me sleep on his shoulder and lay on him. In the following few days, Graham was coming down for my dance recital and birthday party, and TJ (along with our friend Sam) was coming to the party too. It was in the pool, and in that time (of course when Graham's back was literally turned) there were about two sexually charged moments. After the pool, though, when he and I went towards with bathroom and my room, respectfully, I kissed his cheek very briefly before going to get changed.

During the summer we talked a few times, but not very much, and when school started up again we exchanged schedules, but failed to share any classes (he had to rework his a few times just to get lunch together). Nothing serious happened until the big break up with Graham, and I was absolutely heartbroken. I didn't know what to do. Confused, I had no outlet for the love I wanted to give, and I wasn't receiving the kind of emotional-physical support I desperately craved. Even though I was talking to Jimmy all the time non-stop, I wanted him to be the best friend I'd heard about in movies. The one you could text at any time of day or night (which I did), and the one you could count on to give you a hug and let you cry and never let go. The latter component he wouldn't do because he felt it crossed the friend barrier into lover, which I now see to be true. And so, although I'm not proud to say this, I turned to the one person I knew couldn't say no to me: TJ.

It was a random comment I made at lunch one day with intermittent laughter and jokes: "We should be boyfriend and girlfriend!" At the time, we laughed it off, but I never forgot what I had said. A day or so later after school, he texted me bringing it up, and essentially he said that he wanted to go out with me but wanted to be sure that if it didn't work out we'd still be friends and be as close as we had been. I promised, and we started going out.

Keep in mind I was still very much hung up on Graham, and he and I were even going back out and then not, during which time we wouldn't talk for extended periods of time before we would "go back out" again. But now I was with TJ, and even though I was only with him for the hugs and sweet parts I was determined to act like I was normal.

We didn't kiss for a few days, barely hugged, but held hands all the time. One day, when my mom was upset that I was talking to Jimmy and that I was with TJ, I decided to take a ride from Jimmy to go home, since he had his license and a car. My intentions were for my mom just to see him pull up and watch me get out, but he didn't take me home. We went to his house, and proceeded to make out for over an hour until my mom went crazy, so we had to go home. She wasn't mad, just worried, and I lied and told her we went out for coffee to talk. Afterwards, I felt somewhat guilty, but nowhere near what I should have felt for cheating on my boyfriend, someone that I cared about and liked. That weekend I attempted suicide and didn't tell anyone except Graham and Jimmy at first, and Chelsi and TJ later. On TJ's and my one-month, which is something I wouldn't normally celebrate by any means but he decided to by giving me a white gold/silver (I honestly don't know what it is, didn't ask, but I assume silver) connected heart necklace with diamonds where the hearts connect. It's stunning, and I felt horrible for not giving him anything back for the day since he got me something, but I refused to let it bother me too much.

Throughout this period of dating, I felt as though TJ was being too pushy sexually and that everything he did annoyed me to no end, and so when a time period came (the first of a few, actually) where I thought Graham and I had a shot again, I decided that this would be a good time to break up with TJ. I wasn't thinking about the plans we had had to go to Homecoming together or to dinner that night or doing work together the day before. So I broke up with him over the phone, with Graham on Skype, and needless to say TJ was pissed. Pissed to the point that he hung up on me. The next day we hardly talked except for me to get my Homecoming ticket from him, and we just ignored each other essentially for the next couple of months except for when I hugged him and gave him homemade cookies for his birthday. We did talk some, like a couple of three-texts-long conversations now and then, but nowhere near as much as we used to. One day, which surprised me, when I came to school in a really low mood because Graham and I were fighting, I passed him in the hall and tried to ignore him, but he stopped me and asked if I was okay. Taken aback, I said I was fine and continued on my way.

It wasn't easy ignoring him whenever we walked by each other at school or when we sat next to each other at lunch. I hated it. I hated not being able to talk to him without feeling like it was going to be awkward or weird. However, when that fateful day (New Year's Day 2011...) came where Graham broke up with me for good, I was at the mall with Chelsi, and when shopping was done I gave up holding myself together and cried in front of Starbucks. I didn't know what to do. I knew in my heart and head we were over, and at this point I wanted someone to be close to again. Jimmy and I had stopped talking, and Chels wasn't the biggest help in the world. My mom made things worse, and so I had no one to turn to. No one, that is, except for TJ.

I knew somehow that he'd be there for me, and so I sent a simple message: "I made a mistake." I put my phone down to talk to Chelsi and picked it up a half hour or so later to find that he had sent about six messages wondering what happened, where I was, if I was okay. I smiled at it and showed it to Chelsi. At this point, I was done for, for the second time. From that early afternoon until three the following morning we texted, during which time I asked if we could go back out and what he thought of the idea. He said he needed time to think about it, that he'd get back to me in the next few days. I was terrified he'd say no, but regardless we set up a date to watch a history extra credit movie. The day before that passed, and I pestered him about whether or not he'd go back out with me; he didn't change his statement of telling me later after he thought about it. The day came where we were going to watch Gladiator at my house, and we started off at opposite ends of the couch. By the end, though, we were holding hands and lying close together, and I kept praying that this wasn't leading me on, that this was a signal of his decision. After, we had time to kill, and so we began our currently ongoing How I Met Your Mother episode marathon, since we both love the show. An episode came on that revolved around a girl giving a guy "the signal" to kiss her, and I kept trying to give it to him to no avail. The episode was close to the end, and I pointed out that I had given him the signal. He laughed, and kissed me, which resulted in a short make out session. When we pulled apart, he got this big smile on his face. "Well," he said. "Do you wanna go back out?" I kissed him again as my answer. January 3rd, 2011.

Since then, we've been more open with each other, and it's helped immensely with our relationship. I love him more than I thought I could love someone, especially after what happened to me. Without TJ in my life, I honestly can't say what I'd do, even though I still don't know if he's a "for now" or a "for forever" yet. I guess it's good that I don't know, because if I knew he was "for now" then why not break up, but if I believe he's a "for forever" I could just be setting myself up for failure again, like last time. But we have agreed that there's nothing wrong with the relationship, that things are amazing. I still have times of doubt, where I get low and let my past influence where we are, but he just kisses me and tells me he loves me and says to no end that he isn't going anywhere. And he knows I'm not going anywhere either.

For Valentine's Day, he gave me chocolate and a chocolate-scented teddy bear, and a rose for when we went out on our date the weekend prior. I gave him my book of acrostics from when I was younger, which I believe he's read. He asked me to a ROTC ball, and when he picked me up he had a bouquet of daisies in his hands. I could only smile, because he remembered. When I had a dance competition a few weeks ago, I didn't have to say anything about wanting him there for him to say that he wished he could have watched me perform and that he really wants to see my recital this year. To this day, that makes me smile. Every day he makes me smile. He makes me laugh, he makes my heart skip beats, he makes me blush. When I'm walking into school everyday and I see him by his locker, I literally cannot help from smiling at the thought of knowing I'm about to hug him and kiss him, from knowing that we're together. I'm grateful to have him in my life, even though I don't know how long it's going to be for. If anything, I've learned to live life day by day and appreciate every second as it comes to me. Of course I'm still me, I still have my bad days and my mood swings and my doubts, but he's standing by me, for whatever reason. I don't know why, but he's with me. And he isn't leaving anytime soon.

When we started having sex at only a month and a half into the relationship, I worried. I questioned my morals and who I was. I somewhat considered myself a whore and a slut, because the only other times I'd had sex before was with people I loved, people I'd known for a long time, people I'd been in a relationship with before for at least six months. I brought this up with TJ and Chelsi, and they both said I shouldn't feel that way because I'd known TJ for a year and we were close friends before any of this relationship happened. Since then I've stopped caring about what this could be seen as because he makes me feel like I'm the only one on Earth.

We talk about our futures sometimes, and whenever either of us slip up and include a "we" in the future, meaning we'll be together then, we just say "If I can keep you around that long." And I know he'll have no trouble keeping me, because it's me going to have trouble keeping him, because as I've said so many times I can't count and I'll say it for however many times I have to, I will never walk away again. He's everything I ever wanted and more. I couldn't ask for someone better. It'd be impossible.

I guess more life updates next time. I've dyed my hair strawberry blonde, had my bangs cut shorter by one of my friends at school, and I live with my dad. Details. I promise.

Love,
Caitlyn

Just Some Stuff.

Well, here's a recently discovered relief: I'm not pregnant.

It was scary, to be honest, and it kind of makes me want to never have sex again until I'm married/stable enough to raise children, but we all know teenagers do what they will so... Granted, the chance of being pregnant was 1% (have I said that before? I don't remember.), but regardless TJ decided freaking out for over a week was a good idea.

I spent the weekend with Chelsi and my mom in Orlando for her sweet sixteen. Island of Adventure, Universal. She dragged me on every single ride that wasn't child oriented (and we went on one of those, too), and at the end of the night she chose a horror movie to watch about mirrors. Mirrors. Of all things. She did express having an amazing time, as did I, and I'm just happy she's happy.

Of course, there were other reasons for going this weekend. My mom was secretly meeting her old friend and high school flame Gary for dinner, and so as a way to make sure my stepdad Ron wasn't going to join us she made me lie and say we were going to a dance competition. I haven't seen Gary since I was nine, and to be honest he hasn't changed a bit. My mom lights up more around him; she's more herself. Completely opposite of how she is at home. Now, I'm not quiet about my dislike for my stepdad, and so here I type, forced to silence myself around him and help my mom by giving her advice on what to do.

Here's my opinion: never do something based on someone else. While I, and most of my mom's family, dislike Ron, if he makes my mom happy completely then she should stay with him. If he doesn't, then she should leave him, if for nothing but herself. It doesn't mean she'd be leaving him for someone else, and by someone else I mean Gary; only that she wasn't content in her marriage. Gary is a wonderful guy, someone who's incredibly sweet and kind and understanding of her situation. As I've always stated, I'm not upset by the divorce itself, just moreso the people my parents decided to marry afterwards, and thus I approve of Gary.

On another note, I've been invited to the Gulf High NJROTC Military Ball, courtesy of TJ. Dress is formal, but not like a ball gown or anything; just homecoming attire but with straps and knee-length or longer. Finally I can wear my homecoming dress proudly, where he can appreciate it out loud instead of having to keep it to himself. He was so cute when I told him what my plan was for a dress: "Guess I know just what to wear, then." Makes sense, considering our outfits for homecoming were matching. Back to the dance though, dinner's included, and I couldn't be more excited about the whole thing. The best part, aside from being able to spend a night with TJ, is that the dance will be less like the other Gulf dances in the sense that grinding and horrid music will not be factors (which are the parts of school dances I always hated).

I keep trying to pretend that I'm not sad, at least to everyone except TJ, but I really am. Not sad with my life, because I'm content with where I am, but just in general. Cutting urges have returned at a rather alarming rate (wasn't I supposed to be done with all of that?), and I find myself wanting to cry any time I have a chance to catch a breath. I have yet to burn the rest of the Graham things; I'm waiting for when TJ can do it with me. I couldn't do it alone. I can't do any of this alone. I wish things with Graham had happened differently, like we just both grew apart at the same time and the break up was simple and without pain except for the end of a relationship with someone I thought I'd have a family with one day.

Sometimes, when my mind is blank and TJ's playing baseball and I'm trying to distract myself, I wonder if Graham still keeps tabs on me, if he's still checking up on my life. Part of me wants him to, because to this day I haven't exactly come to terms with the idea he doesn't care about me, but the other part of me doesn't want him to check up on me because I want him happy in his life and not to miss me or anything, because if it turns out to be true that I was the worst thing that happened to him, then I want him to live the best life anyone has ever known. Despite all the terrible things he said and did to me, I do care about him and want him to be just...happy and without strife.

I can't help but remember that next month on the 17th, Ry would have been one year old. And because of that, I can't help but wonder if Graham thinks about her still, like I do. Probably not, but it's possible right? Yeah, probably not.

In order to cope with all the sorrow, essentially, I've summarized my life in the past two years with a few phrases: "Jimmy and I broke up because a) I was too much and b) he was going to be in high school," "Graham was just a small fling one summer before eighth grade only," and "My virginity is Jimmy's."

At least, that's what I've been telling myself for a few weeks now.

Love,
Caitlyn