Little Update

I said my next post would be on Graham's and my "Story of Us," but I can't get myself to sit here and remember all of our good times when I barely feel like I'm in love with him.

Last week on Monday, I got a text message he intended for another girl, talking about how on that Wednesday she could come over if his mom wasn't home; what they were going to do was implied. Later that night I got it out of him that he had cheated on me with someone else the previous Friday, making out with her and sucking on her nipples. Her name is Rachel, and she's in his theater class.

After screaming and crying until I couldn't breathe, I managed to fall asleep, but it came to my attention that the next three years without either of us cheating would be impossible. I didn't tell him this, and instead confided in Jimmy all of these problems. He's really the only one I can trust to give me an accurate opinion, one that equally makes sense and can be done. He was the first to suggest leaving Graham and moving on, but regardless of the painful hurt I was feeling I wanted to be able to forgive Graham for what he had done. The rest of the week was spent crying it out and trying to think about what to do with my relationship. My mom recommended letting him see other girls, because it would overall hurt less, and my dad (although not knowing everything...) said that if I'm uncomfortable with whatever then Graham should get tested for STDs. Originally, Graham refused to do anything of the sort, and we fought about it all night; my friends, two-thirds of them, agreed with me, that he should get tested. The following morning, he looked up a free clinic in the area and gave in; he was tested yesterday afternoon.

On this past Monday, I was fluxuating between moods, going from sweet to pissed in about ten minute intervals, and that morning we talked a little more and while we don't want to break up and then have nothing to do with each other, we can't stay together and risk hating each other. While we both know that we're it, we're each other's "One," we're soulmates, this isn't the right time for us to be together, and so we're remaining friends throughout high school, getting back together when we need to start planning the wedding (think what you will but please keep negativity to yourselves). My birthday/recital visit is ten days away, and then afterwards is TIP, but that would be the last times we see each other until his senior prom.

While right now this hurts so much and we can barely think about the future, we know this is the right thing to do for us in the long run. We can give in to our hormones without worrying about cheating, and since we both have silver rings we additionally don't need to worry about the other person going too far with someone else. Who knows, maybe it'll make us miss what we had. To keep the planned visits intact, we aren't telling our parents until after TIP.

The Graham posts are going to take a very long time to come up, and I apologize for that to anyone that wanted to read them. He is just a very, very tender topic right now and I can't get out everything I'm feeling quite yet.

Jimmy and I seem to be getting along well, talking rather frequently, but who knows how long it'll last before he gets tired of me. Better appreciate it while it lasts, right?

A little thing about Mitchell. Back in April I talked to him for a few days before he snapped at me about "bitching" too much and then I didn't hear from him again until he texted me on Tuesday last week; he told me he'd be back in an hour at eight that night, and then I never heard from him. Still haven't heard from him. Too good to be true and I knew it.

All for now; finals are coming up in school, and five and a half days remain. One week until my fifteenth birthday, as well. Excited.

Ten days until Graham gets here, and thirty-nine days until TIP.

Love,
Caitlyn