I presented my IB review today. In short, it's a presentation where the PIB student is required to dress in business attire and give a powerpoint on what he or she plans to do in his or her education, his or her life in general, and his or her education thus far. Mine went fairly alright except for my stuttering and inability to complete a few words here and there. I talked about psychology, my friends, my experience with Fall Out Boy, and TIP. Which now takes me into my dream last night.
I was at TIP for this summer, sitting in the giant auditorium where we all go during the night of the first day for a debriefing of rules and instructors and whatnot. In the dream, though, this was outside during the day, and everyone was running around. Jimmy was there (zero idea why!), and Marni (she's my best/lasting TIPster friend in case I haven't mentioned her previously) was by my side. All of a sudden, I saw Graham at a distance, and immediately burst into tears, attempting to hide myself so he wouldn't see me. I remember telling Marni that I still wanted to be with him, that I still loved him, and, after I had pulled myself together, to not tell TJ what I had just said. Moments later Graham confronted me, and we got into a huge fight in the middle of everything, causing me to cry again. Fin on the dream.
Waking up wasn't the best thing in the world, believing for a few moments I thought the dream was real before sending TJ my daily "Good morning handsome I love you" text message. I won't lie to anyone; Graham still affects me today. There are things I can't do with TJ that he wants to because of it, like falling asleep on Skype or other little mannerisms and ways of acting or saying things. It's annoying, but it could be worse. Granted, part of me wonders what would happen if I ever saw him or talked to him again, but I just need to remember that nothing good could possibly come of it.
As for other dreams, they've been taken over by pregnancy, and it's absolutely terrifying. I don't want to be pregnant at this age and time in my life, and I doubt TJ would disagree with me. Do I want him to be it, because I honestly believe with all my heart God could not produce a guy better for me than TJ Hemphill? Truthfully, yes. But not now. Way down the road, at least by a few years.
Back to the pregnancy concerns, though. I'm not always as responsible with pills as I should be, as in a few times throughout a pack I'll forget a pill and then double up the next day, and we never use condoms (tried once. Maybe again with those awesome Fire+Ice/Ecstasy condoms, but other than that not any time in the foreseeable future.). Maybe I worry too much, because the chances are slim I could get pregnant, but it's good that I worry since without worry comes naive thinking of being invincible, which I know is the teenage disease. Anyway, this month I've currently missed two pills and consequently doubled up twice within the week and a half of this particular pack of pills, and TJ and I had sex a couple of days ago. This week without pills would be the week I ovulate, and sperm can live up to five days. Need I continue in my explanation of why I'm scared?
Also, I've been reading other people's stories online about their use of pills and their chances of getting pregnant, and so far most of them essentially said "Oh yeah I was on the pill, and I took it somewhat regularly, and I got my period at the end, but then I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and found out I was pregnant." I did get my period, apparently, last month, but that pack I didn't start taking until literally eight days into it, which I caught up on in one day, and then TJ and I slept together quite a few times within a few days. So yes. I'm terrified.
I've been reluctant to share any, if at all, of this with him, because his dreams for life are bigger than mine are. He wants to be an architect and then go into the air force. It's going to be intense, and I'm confident that he could do it, but I don't want him thinking for a second, if I'm not truly sure of what I am, that those dreams could change for him. I know myself, I know I'd get through alright. I'd do FLVS (Florida Virtual School) to finish up high school, hopefully early, then do my bachelor's degree in Psychology (whether I do my A.A. first or go straight into my B.A.), and then my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, online or not. I'd be fine. I know I can get through. I just don't know him well enough, I guess, to tell if he'd be able to get through it like I would, too.
With our previous scare, we talked through what our plan would be, and I'm confident it could work at least to some extent (assuming the baby was healthy). Just need to learn to let go, stop freaking out. Let myself live in the moment instead of fretting about the future all the time.
Not much else going on. Mostly sleep deprived. Living with my dad. Trying to keep my grades up. Trying to push myself through these next two years of having to have parents.
Goodnight, anyone reading. If not, then at least this is a good outlet to use.
Love,
Caitlyn
