It's been about a year since I started this particular blog. My, how time flies, right?
I sit here, typing, reading over my most recent post, laughing at it. How my life doesn't need plans. Ha. So yes, I'm sitting here typing and thinking to myself how hypocritical that brief post was. Considering I'm sitting here, typing, and scared to death. I won't get detailed as to what I'm scared to death about, but if anyone's reading my Twitter or Tumblr then you have a pretty good idea, I think.
I've gotten back into dance. I missed it like hell and am very glad to be starting up again. And just in time to start practicing for recital. My grades are better, pretty steady. I've never made myself do so much homework, but that's what happens when you're the girlfriend of the most motivated, intelligent, and sweet IB nerds you'll ever meet. TJ is determined to get himself out of NPR, break the cycle. Granted, he's aware he'll have that "red-neck" and outdoor-loving part of him, but he knows that he can be himself without being here in this town.
Talking to Chelsi the other day, we realized that at last our lives are normal, at least for two girls in IB. At peace. Falling into place. Are with two amazingly perfect guys, with which we double date rather frequently (have I mentioned I love double dates?).
Everything feels good, feels right. At least, it did. Until sometime after TJ and I had sex for the first time (backseat of his car, middle of the day, parking lot). I guess that gave away what I'm scared about haha. While it's roughly a less-than 2% chance, he's freaking out (he started it), which makes me freak out, which led to my internet scourging, but in the midst of all of this mess we're talking more. We're closer than we've ever been, exchanging things I never thought in a million years we'd exchange (many of which I've posted to Twitter).
Anyway, now that I have the chance, I'd like to clear up quite a few things about things I've posted in the past year. Because I was with Graham and he read this blog, I hesitated posting things too deep and intimate about myself in fear he'd read it and I'd end up fucking things up with us. Well, seeing as that we're over and I doubt he reads this anymore anyway, it's time I've come clean about my life. Starting from the relative beginning of this blog.
I was in love with Jimmy. I slept with him in 2009 because I wanted to, because I wanted him and me to have that kind of connection. Back in June, starting on my birthday, we sexted quite often (he wanted help getting off so I told sex stories; we also exchanged pictures on occasion; he additionally told me he loved me and wished Graham would leave so he could have me and we could give each other a real shot now that we were more grown up), and I was convinced he was the better guy especially when he became my life's main focus after Graham left. After all, he was there, at all hours (literally) when I needed someone to talk to; he hated talking on the phone and let me call him anyway even if all I did was cry. He bought me a lighter so I could burn all the things I had left here to remind me of the asshole we can call my ex. Jimmy was the perfect best friend, I won't lie, and when he suddenly disappeared from my life when his exes (two of them back to back) decided to reintroduce themselves, I got upset and jealous. Ever since, we haven't been the same. I hate that I lost someone in my life that meant so much to me, but maybe we just changed. Different life paths. We don't hate each other, but we don't talk either. It's whatever now. Something I wish I could go back and change. I wish I could go back and change a lot of things.
I won't waste web space listing and going into detail everything I wish I could change, but the point is there right? Okay? Good.
I almost want to apologize for not posting in awhile, but I honestly don't miss this blog all that much. It's great when I have the time to really post what I think and feel, but for a daily thing I tweet what I think and feel.
So because I don't know when I'll post again, and since I might end up deleting this one day without saying anything, this may be goodbye.
Love,
Caitlyn
